Bracing

I’ve been in relationship with a line of energy from my abdomen, down my legs, into my heel for nearly two years.

Through the nervous system work I’ve been doing, I’ve noticed subtle shifts over time. But it’s taken time to truly get to know this pattern.

The bracing.
The breath holding.
The twisting in my abdomen.
The tightness in my legs.

This is interoception:
the ability to feel inwardly.

I’ve been building the capacity to stay with uncomfortable sensations without immediately reacting, fixing, or problem solving.

Just noticing.
Tracking.
Intentionally making space.

What feels meaningful to me is that this process developed slowly.

And over time, I’ve become more able to communicate what I actually feel inside my body.

Last Friday, I drove to Charlottesville to see my Zero Balancing mentor, who I see about once a month. She has been with me through much of this post-traumatic growth.

I framed the session around a question:

What if my body is beginning to realize it’s actually safe for me to take up space?

I especially notice the bracing after sharing in large groups or posting vulnerably online.

The anxiousness.
The rumination.
The anticipation of what might happen after expressing my truth.

I could feel it clearly in my body, especially around my dorsal hinge.

During the session, nothing dramatic happened.

I didn’t disappear into some deep meditative state.

I simply tracked her fingers on my bones and let myself lean into the holds.

The next morning, sunlight poured through my window.
The birds were singing.

And immediately, I noticed something different.

My body wasn’t grasping for air the way it usually does when I first wake up.

Instead, my breath felt light.
Full.
Easeful.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, my toes were relaxed and gently facing outward instead of curled inward, alert and ready to run at any moment.

My legs felt grounded.
Buzzing slightly.
Alive.

She’s here.
She’s integrated.

The part of me that feared for her safety.
The part that learned silence.

Because I took the time to do something different.

To listen instead of override.
To build relationship instead of wage war against myself.

After a lifetime of not belonging, betrayal, masking, and sacrifice…

I’ve cultivated a loving relationship with my body.

Now we’re besties.

And this feels like just the beginning 💚